


The Unthinkable

by marieinlex



Category: Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Character Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-21 11:07:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30020835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marieinlex/pseuds/marieinlex
Summary: What if the unthinkable happened?   What if in the first book when Jamie escaped the Black Watch and was looking for Claire and Murtagh, then he rounded a hill and the six dragoons that -in the story- captured him, had instead killed him?Before you get ruffled feathers, the side of me not writing fiction is rather pragmatic and logical.  In writing fanfiction where anything is possible, then everything is possible and this situation should be considered.  I am very glad this is not the way the novels are written! When contemplating different writing cues my brain insisted this had to be acknowledged.Let’s move on from my personal angst.If Jamie had died when he rounded that corner, he wouldn't have to go through the painful torture, but he would be gone.He would’ve died fighting, like the highland warrior we all recognize.There was no deal with Dougal because Jamie was already gone.In this story we pick up after Jamie is buried at Lallybroch.(Don’t forget though, Claire can time travel, hint, hint, hint)
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp & Faith Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Murtagh Fraser
Comments: 24
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

I wanted to scream but my voice wasn’t working. 

After I was able to cajole the english into giving us Jamie’s body, Murtagh drove a wagon to get us back to Lallybroch.

I could barely sit still on the way. The snow slowed us down and we were both cold all the time. I would sit in the back with Jamie and pray for God to breathe life back into his body and when my husband was still dead I would cry a heavy wailing sob. Murtagh would have to stop the wagon and comfort me. At times I felt like I couldn’t look at his lifeless body one more second and other times I couldn’t look away. Sometimes I had just sat on the bench and leaned on Murtagh who held me up. Literally.

I stopped thinking about how we got where we are and thought about the reality. 

Jamie was in a box, in the earth. He was gone.

Dead.

Buried.

We were having a rare warm December at Lallybroch but the wind whipped everything around. They were almost finished covering him up and I still had the urge to scream. Murtagh took my balled up fist in his hand and held it. He was likely afraid for his hearing. My husband was being buried and I could do nothing. The bastards had killed my husband and I could do nothing. I stood there for a minute feeling like I was leaving my body, then I fainted.

I came to on a settee inside. Murtagh and Jenny were standing over me.

“Finally Sister, ye’ve come around, drink some broth.” Jenny said and tried to hand me the cup.

I turned my head into the cushions because tears were forming again. How could I stay here without Jamie? My heart hurt so much it was hard to breathe. 

There was some scuffle between Jenny and Murtagh and I heard Jenny sigh and walk away.

“Lass, sit up and I will help ye drink this, for the sake of his bairn ye carry.” Murtagh said in his soft voice. I had gotten used to his soft voice though; he used it during the days it took to get to Lallybroch.

I sat up and he sat next to me. I reached my hand out to take the cup, but my hand was shaking so bad he held my hand and lifted the cup to my lips. 

It was blessedly warm. I drank the whole cup then fell asleep sitting there in the silence with my head on Murtagh’s shoulder.

I vaguely heard Ian come in. I didn’t want to open my eyes.

“We’ve got to talk wit’ her Murtagh, wake her or I will.” I heard Jenny say in her commanding tone. I heard Murtagh’s sigh.

Murtagh squeezed my hand, “Lass, wake up.” He whispered.

I opened my eyes and sat up. Jenny and Ian were sitting on the chairs near us. I looked at Murtagh but he looked away. He knew what was going on but he didn’t like it.

“What?” I asked.

“Ye’ve got to marry.” Jenny said. I coughed and felt my stomach clench. I was so surprised. Murtagh, knowing me as he did now, grabbed the bowl sitting next to him and handed it to me, and I vomited in it.

***Murtagh’s POV

I held the lass’s hand and put the cup of broth to her lips. She was shaking so bad and I felt for her ‘cause I knew it was going to get worse.

Claire put her head on my shoulder and fell asleep after she drank the broth. Most of the time I wouldna try to be so with a lass but I knew what Ian and Janet were going to be tellin’ her and I was dreading it. Claire and Jamie had been a love match and she wouldna ever be the same.

Janet told me to wake Claire and I squeezed her hand to wake her up. Then Janet went straight at the subject and was nay kind about it.

“Janet, ye see whit yer headstrong way does!” I said. I handed Claire a cloth to wipe her mouth after she got sick. The lass had kept nothing in her stomach since we got to Lallybroch. 

“What are you talking about, I will never remarry.” Claire said, wiping her mouth.

“Ye have to,-” Janet started to say but Ian cut her off.

“Quiet.” He told his woman then he looked at us, “Claire, I’m sorry lass, but we have to talk about this, we’ve had three messengers in the last day.” Ian said and I nodded.

“Lallybroch goes to Jamie’s widow. Yer known and everyone kens yer english born. As a widow, ye’re now english again and the redcoats can seize Lallybroch unless ye marry a Scot again.” Ian said.

The idea of marriage to someone else was so foul to her she needed the bowl again. She vomited the last bit of anything on her stomach.

“I will just leave, I will never come back so they can never find me.” She said after she stopped wrenching and wiped her mouth.

“It doesna matter lass, unless a marriage is recorded, whether yer here or nay, they will take Lallybroch.” I said and sighed. “How long does she have?” I asked.

“Not even a day. The last messenger came during the funeral.” Ian said and Claire started crying again. 

“I’ve got two lads old enough to marry her, but since she’s known as a witch-” Jenny was saying but a look from Ian cut her off.

“I can’t marry. I can’t do it, I buried my husband today.” Claire said, tears still coming down her cheeks.

“Then ye will be burying all of us from exposure if ye dinna marry because the english will be here to take our house.” Janet said.

“This discussion is ridiculous for so many reasons,” Claire said, almost laughing. She had got to that hysterical phase of hers and it wasna good for the bairn. She had to pause to take another breath, “I don’t know anyone who will marry me anyway.” She said and I thought about Jamie marrying her to save her.

“Claire, I will marry ye lass.” I said quietly but firmly. I wouldna let the lass go through this alone; we both loved the lad with our whole heart. I could nay ask the lass to marry to save Lallybroch from the lobster backs if I wasna willin’ to do the same.

“Nay man, yer, how old are ye?” Ian asked.

“It doesna matter, no young lad will ken what she’s been through, no young lad will understand her loss. And I am young enough to be a real husband. Claire? It is up ta ye.” I said and looked at Claire.

“How..” Claire started to say but stopped as her stomach was convulsing even though it was empty now, “ Jamie was just buried.” She whispered and shook her head. 

“Claire, I’m sorry, but we need ye to marry.” Ian said. He looked at the floor then looked up at me, “We all ken this is a terrible thing we ask of ye, but Jamie would understand, ye do this to save his home and his land from the english.”

***Claire’s POV***

I felt almost unreal. How could I marry again? I took a deep breath. I would have to do it. I would have to call someone else husband. I had to keep the people who murdered him out of his house. I would have to marry again.

But it wouldn’t be some man who didn’t know Jamie.

“Yea, yes, Murtagh, I will marry you.” I choked out through gasping sobs after a few seconds of silence. 

“Nay, it canna be Murtagh.” Jenny said.

“Why?” Ian asked her.

“Ye ken,” She said and paused, ”He’s lain wit, ye ken!” She said looking at our faces that clearly told her we didn’t understand.

“Och, Claire, she says I canna wed ye because I’ve lain wit’ hoors. After Jamie came to ye innocent, and now yer the Lady, it is nay proper.” Murtagh said and looked in the distance. “After Ellen, I never thought ta’ marry.” He said quietly.

“Well, my husband,” I had to take a breath through my tears, “Has just been buried so it’s not proper for me to marry either, so we are a fine pair. Murtagh or no one.” I said. 

Jenny huffed, then left the room and I was glad. I couldn’t deal with her energy right now. I had to go to sleep, I was so tired. I leaned on Murtagh’s shoulders but I shot up when I heard Jenny.

“Yes, she’s chosen someone else, but if two of ye could stay to be witnesses that were nay family, I’d be grateful.” Jenny said and she rounded the corner back into the room with two priests and a few boys that looked very young. Ned Gowan was with them as well.

I looked at Murtagh who was looking at Jenny. 

“We have to beat the English.” Jenny said and looked almost sorry.

On the very day Jamie was buried Murtagh and I were married. I cried all the way through it and I saw a tear or two on Murtagh’s cheek as well.

After it was over Murtagh was silent but everyone else thanked us for saving Lallybroch. The priest gave us his condolences, his congratulations, and the paperwork. Ned Gowan wrote us a simple marriage contract.

I left and went to my bedroom, climbed on the bed and fell asleep fully clothed.

I slept for hours. I heard the door open and for a second or two I thought it was Jamie. Then I remembered.

Murtagh came around to my side of the bed and sat down on the floor. He took my hand and squeezed it. “Claire, I have a bannock for ye.” he said.

“I don’t want it.” I said, then belatedly said, “Thank you.” I was determined to be nice to him. 

“Claire, ye’ve hardly eaten anything, and ye’re growing a bairn.” He said quietly.

I sat up and took the bannock and ate a few bites. “Why are you sitting on the floor?” I asked.

“Because ye were in the bed.” He simply said.

For the first time I thought about consummating the marriage. I knew I was going to have to but at the same time I couldn’t even imagine it. All I could think of was Jamie. I let the moments stretch out and didn't say anything.

I looked at the door because it was still open and saw someone sitting there with their back to the door.

“Aye, we are supposed to, and that’s the priest and the lawyer to bear witness.” Murtagh said and he was not happy. I didn’t even ask how he knew what I had been thinking.

“Do they have to listen?” I asked, angry all the sudden.

“Aye, I talked them out of watching.” Murtagh said. I thought about the joking Jamie did on our wedding night telling me Angus and Rupert wanted to watch.

“I don’t know if I could stop crying.” I said softly. The anger had left me quickly and I wished I had been able to hold onto it.

“I ken, it’s alright. I will be quick.” He said quietly.

I stood up, with Murtagh’s help I took my clothes off and I lay down.

“Claire, may I?’ he asked. Knowing how women were treated at this time I thought he was considerate to ask. I nodded and opened my legs.

I closed my eyes and thought of things from my time. Loud airplanes and hot showers. I thought it would feel worse that it did but Murtagh was quick and I never felt him inside me. I felt the wetness on my leg and realized he hadn’t penetrated me. I looked at him but he held one finger to his mouth in the universal sign to be quiet.

He covered me with a blanket, then put breeks on and went to the door.

“Is that sufficient?” Murtagh asked.

“Aye, ye are legally married and Lallybroch is saved.” I heard Ned Gowen say and the priest agreed.

Murtagh shut the door, came back into the room and got dressed.

“Where are you going?” I asked. 

“To the barn to sleep. Do you need anything?” Murtagh asked.

I looked at him. He loved Jamie as I had loved him. He’d known Jamie since he was born.

“Will you sleep in here with me? I don’t want to be alone.” I managed to squeak out in my hoarse voice.

He nodded once, pulled his boots off and got into bed. He got a cloth, opened my legs and wiped where he had left his seed. I got up and put my shift on.

He lay carefully away from me. I looked up at him and scooted closer to him until we were touching.

“This will be the one good thing from this nonsense Murtagh, we don’t have to grieve him alone.” I said and I heard him whisper his agreement.


	2. Dealing with Redcoats and Dougal

I woke up a few hours later because Murtagh had tensed and took my hand.

“There are horses in the dooryard lass, do ye mind if I take my shirt off and get under the blanket with ye? From the shouting I think it is redcoats.” Murtagh asked politely.

“Yes, get it off!” I said. I was adamant this rushed, ridiculous marriage would not be in vain.

Murtagh took his shirt off and pressed a dirk in my hand. We heard the priest that Jenny had persuaded to spend the night, protesting the disturbance.

Sure enough our bedroom door was opened and four redcoats, the priest, Ned Gowan and Ian entered the room.

“Names! What are your names?” One of the redcoats asked.

Murtagh sat up and in a deep voice I’d never heard from him he growled, “Get out.” 

The party looked at him, then left the room.

Murtagh got up and dressed. I noticed he put on his good shirt. I looked at him and he nodded once as he left the room. 

I heard the raised voices in the hall and almost burrowed under the covers. Jamie wouldn’t hide under the covers. The reminder that they shot my husband got in my brain and I got up to dress. I put my better dress on and my boots to give me a little more height.

“What is the problem?” I asked as soon as I closed my door.

No one said a word and they all looked at me.

“My Lady, they are saying the marriage is nay valid because there was no mourning time.” Ned managed to say.

I drew myself up as tall as possible and went to the man in charge. “Do you understand where you are? Sir.” I said spitting the ‘sir’ out. I felt Murtagh next to me and I knew he thought he would have to save me but I would take care of it. For Jamie.

“Mam, of course I know where I am.” He said and I saw him sweat a little.

“I don’t think you do, sir.” I said and again made sure he knew the sir was an insult. “You are not in England, you are in the Highlands and mourning is something we don’t have the luxury for here.” I said and took a step towards him and he took a step back.

“You are in the Highlands where life has to move forward. So after my husband was murdered I found another. This is him, he is the Laird of Lallybroch so you will show him some respect.” I said with malice dripping off every word.

I didn’t have to reach far to find Murtagh, he was a half step to my left.

They made a bow to Murtagh and apologized for interrupting our evening. They congratulated us and left quickly.

I turned to look at Murtagh and he was smiling at me. I thought if I’d remembered my Father that was how he would look at me when he was proud of me. As soon as I thought it I shook my head to dispel the thought. 

Jenny was on the stairs looking at me. I knew she was going to say something but I couldn't do it. No more emotion.

I went to bed.

***Murtagh’s POV***

I was proud when the lass started talking to the lobster backs. Claire was fierce, ‘a spirited filly’ as Jamie had once described her. I was proud of her.

They left and Claire went back to bed. I got a bannock and laid it by Claire then I followed them, to be sure they had left.

I needn’t have worrit though, they truly left. I got home when the sun was coming up and went to sit by Jamie. 

I wondered what the lad would say of my predicament. I wondered if he was glad I had married his wife, if I had done the right thing. At the time I could nay see her with some young lad who didn’t know Jamie, who didn’t know her. It seemed wrong for her to marry someone like that so I offered. And minutes later I was marritt to a young stubborn lass who was my lad’s woman.

She was very fine and I wasna complaining, only it felt wrong. Maybe I shouldna have offered. What really shouldna have happened was Jamie shouldna have died.

I heard someone approaching and wiped my tears. It was Claire though and she came to sit very close to me and I wrapped the blanket I had around us both.

**Claire’s POV***

The next day I woke early and ate the bannock laid next to the bed. I knew it was Murtagh, but he hadn’t come back to bed.

I got dressed and went outside to walk up to Jamie’s grave. It was colder today but I had worn my layers. Murtagh was already there, sitting against the fence. I walked over and sat next to him.

“Good morning.” I said quietly as I sat down.

“Is it?” Murtagh asked and took my hand in his. “He was like my son lass, it is nay right I should outlive him.” He said and I scooted closer to him. We sat in silence for a while.

“I miss him so much. I don’t know if I will ever stop missing him. I don’t know if I will ever make it through a whole day without crying for him.” I said.

“I ken. It’s alright. Ye two had a connection of souls.” Murtagh said.

“Why didn’t you come back to bed?” I asked.

“I wanted to make sure the redcoats really left.” Murtagh said then paused. “It doesna feel right Claire, me being in yer bed. I just didna want ye to have to deal with some lad who only wanted to marry ye for Lallybroch.” Murtagh said.

“It’s not right to save Lallybroch?” I asked.

“Nay, that is right, so the filthy redcoat bastards didna get it. It is not right for me to lay wit’ ye. Jamie almost blacked my eye once fer’ looking at ye.” He said and almost smiled.

“I appreciate what you did, or didn’t do, when you had to consummate the marriage.” I said. 

He looked at me and nodded. 

“I will do as ye wish Claire, and I will nay lay wit’ a hoor every again, even if ye never wish to lie with me.” He said.

“Thank you.” I said then thought maybe it was time to negotiate. “Jamie whipped me once, then agreed to never do it again. He gave me his oath.” I told Murtgagh, as I looked at the earth covering Jamie.

Murtagh made the scottish noise deep in his throat. “I will give ye mine as well then, but not here, next to the lad. What else?” Murtagh said.

“I would ask for you to promise not to force me to, to-” I was trying to come up with a word for sex that wouldn’t embarrass Murtagh.

“I hope as I’ve proven that lass, I willna ever force ye. I give ye my word.” Murtagh said.

Tears were streaming down my face. I missed Jamie so much.

“I don’t want to stay at Lallybroch.” I said and mentally apologized to Jamie.

Murtagh looked at me. “More redcoats are expected today, and Dougal is on his way. After that we can leave.” He said.

Our conversation finished and I put my head on his shoulder. He was always content to sit in silence and I appreciated that quality now, more than ever.

Jenny came out and started speaking about lunch and I just shook my head no. It felt right to have a sort-of vigil at Jamie’s grave. I didn’t want to leave. She sent Mrs. Crook out with hot food and drink.

Murtagh and I stayed there all day. We had a small fire to keep us warm, but we were sitting low and the wind wasn’t so bad. We got up a few times to stretch cramped muscles but we stayed by Jamie’s grave.

When the sun started to go down I heard horses and we got up and made our way to the dooryard. It was an english patrol coming to claim Lallybroch. I performed a repeat of my earlier performance and it was full dark before they left.

Jenny had stayed in the house, but Ian had come outside.

“Can ye two come inside, we kept yer supper plates warm.” Ian said.

I started to the door but Murtagh started to the barn. I turned and followed Murtagh.

“We canna have the Laird and Lady sleeping in the barn.” Ian said.

Murtagh paused and looked behind him. He waited for me and took me by the hand. “We’ll be in the loft then, it’s cleaner.” He said and we went to the barn.

He was gathering the clean blankets and taking them to the loft when two lads came into the barn carrying bundles and a basket that smelled delicious.

“Thank you.” I said and took them. Murtagh carried them up the ladder, then came back for me.

I went up and saw he’d made a little nest with blankets. We ate the food and Murtagh kept giving me bits of his portion. It was very good and I ate everything on my plate.

After we finished we put the dishes in the basket and Murtagh sat the basket outside the barn. When he came back up he sat by the window and motioned for me and I went to sit by him and brought a couple blankets. There was a chill in the air and Murtagh wasn’t the furnace Jamie had been.

We sat by the window and watched the starry sky until I yawned. Then we lay down in Murtagh’s blanket nest and got comfortable. He kept a distance from me and I had to scoot to him again. Once we were touching I took one of his arms and wrapped it around me, then put the blankets over us and fell asleep.

I felt raw and was glad Murtagh and I could sit for hours and not speak. I remembered how his lack of communication used to infuriate me but I was grateful for it now. 

In the morning he was awake but hadn’t moved. I woke up and turned around to look at him. He had been crying and for some reason it helped me to know he was still sad too. I kissed him lightly on the lips and said, “Thank you.”

I got up and he let me go. When I went for the ladder he jumped up.

“Let me go down first lass so I can catch ye if ye fall.” He said and I let him go down first, but of course I didn’t fall. Murtagh worried for my safety and I was grateful so I didn’t say anything except thanks.

Someone had picked up the basket with our dishes. I went to the bushes to relieve my bladder and Murtagh did the same.

We went down the hill and stood outside the door. I looked at Murtagh and my reluctance to go inside must’ve shown on my face.

“We can go in the kitchen entrance, get some food and come back outside.” He said.

“Is there somewhere warm to go?” I asked.

“Aye.” He said and I nodded once to him. We went to the kitchen entrance where Mrs. Crook was preparing food for the day.

“Good morning Mrs. Crook.” I said and she nodded to me. “Thank you for the food last night.”

“Ye welcome my Lady… thank ye fer doin’ the hard thing.” Mrs. Crook almost whispered the last part.

Murtagh stepped in and asked if there was anything we could take outside with us for breakfast and she quickly prepared another basket. We turned to go back out the door when she asked where she might send lunch.

I looked at Murtagh but we didn’t say anything.

“Pardon me, but, growing a bairn requires ye eat.” Mrs. Crook said quietly.

Murtagh told her we would be at the tower around lunchtime if one of the lads brought lunch. Basically he told her not to send anyone else.

I went to get our heavy cloaks in case we needed them and we left. We had breakfast by Jamie’s grave then Murtagh walked the basket back to the kitchen. I heard Jenny at the door.

“I said, where is Claire, Murtagh?” Jenny said. She was obviously upset.

He didn’t say anything and I stayed where I was by Jamie’s grave. 

“Murtagh! Where is she? Bring her back!” I heard Jenny yell.

A few minutes later Murtagh appeared. 

“I heard.” I said when he looked back at the house. “Where can we go?” I asked. He held out his hand and I took it. 

We walked to the barn where he saddled his horse. He started to saddle one for me and I shook my head no. “I ride with you.” I simply said. As soon as I said it I regretted it; the only person I had ever ridden with was Jamie, but I didn’t feel like I could handle the horse right now. Murtagh put me on his horse then got up behind me and we were off.

We rode for a while and I was glad it was a dry day. We came to the top of a small mountain. We dismounted and Murtagh tied up the horse. We had a little more to walk before we reached the top but when we did it was a sight.

“This is beautiful.” I said.

“Jamie used to come here as a lad when he had something to think over.” Murtagh said. I did a circle and could see a three hundred and sixty degree view. 

“I can imagine that.” I said.

We climbed on top of a rock and sat together. Murtagh drew his plaid to wrap around us and we sat that way for a while.

I knew I would have to accept Murtagh as my husband. I had no capacity for any emotion though. I thought about Jenny and how she handled things through order; not me. It seemed I shut down.

“Murtagh,” I said and paused, he made that Scottish noise in his throat,”I know you are grieving too, and if there is anything I can do please tell me. We are doing what makes me feel better but you haven’t told me what makes you feel better.” I said. 

We had moved to where the wind was less and he was sitting against a tree and I was sitting against him. We had his plaid and a blanket wrapped around us. I had turned to speak, then looked out over the hill again to wait for his reply. It took a few minutes.

“Being wit’ the family' makes me uncomfortable too lass. I am always better outside. I am worried I took on more than I can manage.” He said.

I almost smiled. “Thinking you are going to manage me?” I asked.

Murtagh gave his hurump, “Nay, the estate lass. I dinna ken how to manage the estate.” He said then put his head next to mine, “I ken I canna manage ye, and I ken ye will give me trouble, but it will be good trouble I hope.” He said and we went silent after that.

Soon it was time to go get lunch. We went to the tower, picked up the basket and went inside.

I just looked around, it was huge. Murtagh lit a fire and we ate. There was cheese and meat and some fresh biscuits.

After lunch we sat for a while and watched the fire. I was leaning against the wall and I think I dozed for a while. When the fire went out we walked back to the barn, leading the horse. Walking kept me warm. We took the basket back to the kitchen door and sat it just inside. Murtagh and I walked in the wooded area, next to the road. 

After about an hour Murtagh stopped and took my hand.

“What is it?” I asked.

“We have to go back to the house, Dougal will be there soon.” He said.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“I can hear Rupert and Angus on the road.” He said. “We can leave tomorrow if ye want.” He said and I nodded as we headed back to the house.

Dougal was angry to find me already married. Since his wife had recently died he planned to convince me to marry him. We had to produce the priest and the paperwork.

We ate dinner in the house with everyone and between Ian and Jenny, wee Jamie,Dougal, Willie, Rupert, Angus, Murtagh and I we almost filled out the table. Dougal started telling stories about Jamie and Rupert and Angus were more than ready to add to them. 

After dinner the stories stopped and I excused myself to go to bed. Murtagh got up and followed me and Rupert and Angus made some jokes.

We got to our room and Murtagh closed the door. “We can leave in the morning if ye still want. Do ye have a direction in mind?” Murtagh asked me.

I sat at the little table and thought for a minute. “What if we go to Inverness?” I asked and Murtagh looked at me.

He looked at me for a minute. “Are ye wanting to leave through the rocks?” He asked me quietly as he sat at the table.

I looked at him and wondered how much he knew. “No, not right now. But if I go through them again I might be able to… change things.” I said as a way to poorly explain. “But I don’t know if the bairn would survive.” I said.

“I just want to ken if ye plan to stay.” He said. I wondered if he would mind if I left. I couldn’t imagine ever leaving Jamie, but now that it was just Murtagh and I it seemed cruel to leave him alone. His loss was deep too.

“No, right now I don’t plan to leave.” I said.

“Will ye agree to tell me if ye change yer mind? Before ye go, ye ken.” He said quietly.

I took his hand, “Yes, If I change my mind I will tell you before I go.” I said and kissed his cheek. “Can we open the drapes or something? I want to leave early.” I asked.

“Dinna fash, I will have us up early.” He said and we went to bed.

He made sure to lay apart from me again and I had to scoot to him. I would need to speak to him about sleeping arrangements at some point. 

Murtagh woke me and pressed a dirk in my hand. Our bedroom door opened and I felt him holding his other dirk and his sword.

I didn’t say anything, but I felt him slowly adjusting our blankets. Murtagh angled his leg over mine and was half over me. Someone walked in our bedroom.

The person was in shadow but I guessed from his height it was Dougal. He walked over to my side of the bed and I felt Murtagh scooting completely on top of me.

“Ye english bitch, ye-” Dougal was saying when Murtagh slid to the floor. He had pressed his sword in my other hand.

Murtagh was standing next to the bed naked, which was interesting because he wasn’t naked when we went to bed.

“Did ye get lost Dougal?” Murtagh said loudly with his dirk to Dougal’s throat. A cloud moved and in the moonlight I saw Dougal held a dirk raised to stab me. I yelled some profanity at Dougal.

Rupert came running into the bedroom, “Apologies, Mistress, Murtagh.” He said and was able to get Dougal out of the room.

As soon as the door closed Murtagh put a chair under the knob in lieu of a lock. He got his breeks from the bed and put them back.

“That bastard was going to kill me!” I said to Murtagh, still a little shocked.

“Maybe not kill, definitely stab though. He would have to kill both of us to get Lallybroch.” Murtagh explained so calmly. 

I was back on the bed and tried to calm my breathing. “Aren’t you coming back to bed?” I asked, trying to relax.

“Nay lass,” Murtagh said, but he sat on the bed, “ I’ll sit here and wake ye at first light. I dinna wan’ to chance getting a visitor again.” Murtagh said and settled himself on the bed. I scooted next to him and he held my hand until I fell asleep.

Murtagh woke me in a few hours and we packed quickly. I went upstairs to Jenny and Ian’s room and knocked on the door.

Ian opened it and held it open for us to come in. 

“Claire, look I know-” Jenny started but I held my hand up and she stopped.

“It’s alright. Murtagh and I are leaving now. We will pack up a little food and go.” I said and turned to go.

“Nay Claire, this is yer home.” Ian said.

“It doesn’t feel like home right now, I’m sorry. This isn’t about you. Dougal tried to kill me last night, Murtagh saved me. Thought you might want to know.” I said. I looked at Jenny and Ian, who were both shocked, and I nodded to them both. 

“Aye, he wants Lallybroch. Be careful.” Murtagh said and closed the door.

We picked up the food bag Mrs. Crook packed for us and thanked her. On the way out the door I stopped by Dougal’s room.

“Claire…” Murtagh whispered looking at me. I couldn’t have Jenny, Ian or the children at risk. I made my mind up and opened the door.

Rupert and Angus were on pallets on the floor and Dougal was in the bed. They were all asleep.

I tiptoed over to Dougals bed and pulled his blanket, hard, with both hands, so that Dougal fell on the floor.

“What the hell!” Dougal yelled and Rupert and Angus shot up from their pallets.

“You will leave today.” I said in a loud strong voice and I had no idea where it came from.

“Aye, trying to kill the Lady is a terrible offense, we want ye gone.” Murtagh said. “Rupert, Angus, be well.” Murtagh said in a much softer voice.

“Aye, fine, we were going anyway.” Dougal said as he stood up and we went to the door.

“Murtagh, Mistress, felicitations on yer marriage.” Rupert said and handed us a purse for which we thanked him and Angus. I knew from the size of the purse it was likely from Dougal as well but there was no way I was thanking that man for anything.

Murtagh and I left and went to Jamie’s grave first. Grief is a funny thing; when you are out of the overwhelming grip of it you want back in it. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I told Jamie I wouldn’t be near his grave for a while but that I would always miss him.

Murtagh had tears coming down his cheeks too.

Murtagh saddled two horses and I looked at him. “We have a long trip, we need two, if ye want to ride with me we will put our supplies on the other horse.” He said and looked at me. I nodded and he put our supplies on my horse.

Murtagh had taken Donas as his horse and I was glad. He was a big sturdy horse.

Murtagh directed us out the back way and we rode for only a few hours before stopping. We were walking around the area and I looked at him wondering why we stopped already.

“This is a good spot, and we need to be sure Dougal leaves.” Murtagh said and I nodded.

“I’m going to set traps.” Murtagh said and I looked at him in alarm.

“What lass?” He asked.

“Will you please… not be gone long?” I asked and he nodded. He took my hand and squeezed it before leaving.

I took our supplies off my horse and laid our things out. I collected firewood and sat on one of our furs to rip the seams from my dress. Jamie and I had stashed coins in my hems when we could and I thought we should know how much money we had.

“Lass!” Murtagh said coming back. He came to my side and lowered the dress.

“What?” I asked. Murtagh looked at the little knife in my hand to rip the seams and the pile of coins on the ground.

“What are ye doin’” He asked.

I smiled at him. For the first time in a while I smiled. He smiled back.

“We hid coins in my dress. I thought it would be a good idea to know how much we had.” I replied and he nodded and sat down.

“Here’s the purse from Rupert and Angus.” Murtagh said and dumped it out in my pile.

“Here’s what the english gave me.” I said and dumped the purse out.

“Ye took money from the english?!” Murtagh said, instantly angry.

“Murtagh, I had no choice. I had to make nice so they would give me Jamie's body.” I explained. 

He calmed down and nodded.

Once I got all the money from my dress I looked at the pile and looked at Murtagh.

“Weeel, it seems as we have a lot of coin. What do ye want to do with it?” Murtagh asked.

I looked at him surprised at the question, but then I smiled. “Let’s save half, you think?” I asked.

“Aye, half of this would be good to have just in case.” He said. “Can ye put it back in yer dress?” Murtagh asked.

“Yes, I can do that. Maybe we’ll just keep the other half to live off. When we get to Inverness I was thinking about trying to work as a healer.” I said and waited.

“Aye, good idea. I was thinking I could work at the village barn. Whenever I’ve been there it seems they are looking fer workers.” He said and I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding.

Murtagh looked at me. “Did ye think as I wouldna want ye to work?” He asked.

“Yes.” I said and he smiled at me. “Nay lass, I ken ye have a calling. I will ask ye slow down when the bairn gets bigger.” He said and I nodded.

Murtagh started a small fire and sat next to me. We sat in silence for a while, then I gathered my courage.

“Why don’t you want to touch me when we sleep?” I asked him. We weren’t looking at each other but I knew he was thinking.

“Claire…” Murtagh said and took a long breath,” The way I see it, Jamie was the best of Brian and Ellen. I like to think he was the best of me too, I ken he isna my lad, but he was more than my lad. I feel like I am taking something from him to be close to ye, and I canna abide to take from Jamie.” He said.

“Well, that won’t do.” I said. 

Murtagh looked at me. “I’ve just told ye how I feel, opened up to ye and ye tell me I am wrong?” He asked, and his eyes were large.

“No, I’m telling you this feeling is something you have to get past Murtagh.” I said and moved to sit in front of him so I could look at him. “I need…” I paused here because I didn’t know how to phrase it, “Physical assurance. I want to be touching when we sleep.” I said and looked at him.

“Aye lass, I will try.” Murtagh said and took my hand. “I’ve never spent the night with a lass, before ye.”

“You are my third husband.” I said. I had a point to make but stopped when that statement hit home and was truly shocked that Murtagh was my third husband. Three!

“Aye, yer a veritable black widow.” Murtagh said and smiled just a little.

I cried. I wanted that number to be two.

I cried for Jamie.


	3. Bannocks

Murtagh hugged me and apologized. I told him it was alright, I was just going to be a watering can. 

We ate well that night, wanting to eat the perishables from Mrs. Crook. After supper Murtagh sat on a log and had me sit in front of him and he rubbed my shoulders and rocked a bit, causing me to rock. He told me a Scottish myth about a unicorn and it was soothing; like something you would tell a child.

We slept together that night. Murtagh had our pallets together and put the blankets around us both. He held me differently than Jamie used to and for that I was glad. Before I fell asleep I whispered a thank you to him. I was asleep before he answered.

The next morning we ate bannocks and apples. We had ale but I was boiling water to take with us. I knew the water was more pure than in the future but when you get it from a still creek it is better to be safe than sorry.

All the sudden Murtagh sat behind me and put a dirk in my hand. He whispered to me, “One rider to our right, coming up. Be ready.” He said and I felt him tense.

I heard nothing and was astonished when Ian’s voice came from the tree’s “It’s Ian Murtagh, Claire.” 

I tensed then. But I give Murtagh the dirk back.

We stood and made pleasantries with Ian when he was off his horse.

“Murtagh, Claire, can I say anything to convince ye to come home?” Ian asked. “Dougal and his men left soon after ye did.”

I looked at Ian. “I’m glad they didn’t stay long.” I said and thought for a minute before saying, “Ian, all our hearts are broken because Jamie is gone. We have to mourn our way, just like you and Jenny have to mourn your way.” I said.

“Aye, this is our way.” Murtagh said, backing me up.

“I kent ye wouldna come back, but I promised Jenny to ask.” He said and looked at me. “Are ye alright Claire?” Ian asked.

“I’m as right as I can be right now.” I said and I tried to smile but I don’t think I managed it..

“Where ye headed?” Ian asked.

“Inverness.” Murtagh said.

“How long do ye plan on staying away?” Ian asked.

I looked at Murtagh and he shrugged. “Do ye need any help with the estate? I ken ye and Jenny run it by yourselves.” He asked Ian.

“I would be glad of your help Murtagh, but no, we don’t need help. I can continue doin’ what I’ve been doin’.” Ian said and Murtagh patted him on the back.

“I will write when we get to Inverness. I just need some time.” I said and hoped it was true.

“Your home will be waiting when yer ready.” Ian said and shook Murtagh’s hand and hugged me.

“I have some provisions for ye two.” Ian said and got two large bags off his horse.

“What’s all that?” I asked.

“Mostly food. Some clothes, I dinna ken exactly, Jenny packed it fer ye.” Ian said and got back on his horse.

“Take care of everyone.” I said and waved, stepping closer to Murtagh.

“Ye two take care of each other.” Ian said and he was gone.

We watched him go until we couldn’t see him anymore.

“Am I being selfish Murtagh? By not wanting to stay there I mean.” I asked.

“I don’t think so.” Murtagh said. “We are nay taking anything from them by not being there.”

I didn’t reply and he said, “Well, let’s see what Jenny saw fit to pack fer us.” He said and pulled the bags next to the log seats we had.

Murtagh opened the bags and there was a letter right on top. “It’s to ye.” Murtagh said and handed it to me. I opened it up and read it aloud.

_ “Dear Claire, _

_ Since you are reading this letter you’ve decided to stay wherever you are instead of coming home. I can nay say I am happy about it, but I ken everyone has to feel their grief. I wish ye would have stayed home so yer family can take care of ye. _

_ Ye have to be as happy as ye can now for the bairn, take care of yourself. _

_ Write when ye can and dinna stay away too long. _

_ Love your sister, Jenny” _

I finished reading the letter and folded it back up.

“Weel, that is understanding, what do ye think?” Murtagh said.

“It was very nice of her, and I will write when we get to Inverness.” I said.

We packed up our provisions and loaded the horses. I rode with Murtagh again and this time we rode until almost dusk before making camp.

This continued for another three days until we got to Inverness. I constantly thought of my options; stay in this time and raise the baby or try to go back to my time and pray the baby will make it. Should I try to go backwards in time, and if I did, what would happen to the baby? Could I keep it in a time when it didn’t exist? I had so many questions.

We didn’t talk much. I was content with the silence because it gave me time to grieve and go over my options.

_____

We made it to Inverness and I was glad to get there. I knew we could at least rent a room and there would be food for sale. The first thing we did was go to the village barn for Murtagh to get a job.

We were able to rent a small house with a big yard right at the edge of town and I was happy with it. Murtagh liked it because it had less noise than at first place we looked. 

There was no bed but Murtagh told me he would make one for us soon. I bought wool fabric and feathers to make a more comfortable pallet until he had the time. 

The second day in Inverness it started to snow, and didn’t stop until the third day. 

“The snow finally stopped.” I said to Murtagh. 

I had just come inside from using the privy and Murtagh was heating some meat pies over the fire. We had bought a dozen of them yesterday when the snow started. We also had plenty of venison, eggs, bannocks, kale, beans, jam and oats to make porridge. I was going to visit the neighbor later today to care for their Mother and in payment I was for getting cow’s milk and butter.

I sat at the table and looked at Murtagh. Yule, and then Christmas was in a little over a week and I wondered if I should get him a gift or do something. I had written a short letter to Ian and Jenny to let them know we arrived safely and sent a messenger with a spinning top for wee Jamie and a soft stuffed doll for little Maggie. I’d also sent some kitchen supplies that I thought might be helpful and a length of cloth for Jenny. 

Murtagh got up from the fire and put the meat pies on our plates. He took a generous bite of his own and looked at me.

“Is yer’s nay warm enough?” Murtagh asked.

“No, it’s fine.” I said and took a bite. It was hot and delicious. “I was just wondering if we could go find a little holly or-” I was saying but Murtagh cut me off.

“Aye, we can go gather them, I didna ken as if ye would be in the mood to celebrate.” He said.

“No, I’m not. But maybe if we get some supplies and put them up it might make us feel better.” I said and took another bite. It really was very good; there were potatoes, kale and carrots in it too.

“Aye, I see it might bring some cheer. We can go tomorrow, I leave work early on Saturday.” Murtagh said and with that he kissed my cheek and left to go to work. 

I stood in the yard and watched him go. At the corner he turned and I waved at him, then when he was out of sight I went back into the house. I finished up my meat pie and added more wood to the fire. Then I took a long nap.

Word was spreading slowly that I was healer and I had picked up a second client for today. The first was the Mother of the family next door. I received milk and butter in payment. The second was the son in the family who made the meat pies. He fell that morning and broke a bone in his thumb. In payment for my services I asked for a cooking lesson.

“A cooking lesson? Do ye mean to say ye canna cook?” The boy’s Mother asked me, very surprised.

“No, I can’t. Will you teach me something or not?” I asked.

“Do ye ken how to make bannocks?” She asked me and I shook my head no.

“Alright lass, we will start there and ye will call me Alice.” She said.

So Alice taught me to make bannocks. It took a while and I worried I wouldn’t make it home before Murtagh but when I did arrive home I had fourteen bannocks that looked wonderful and all cooked by me.

I put my things on the table, restarted the fire and put the bannocks on the table. I was very proud of them.

I added some more wood and Murtagh came through the door. “Hi lass.” He said and tapped my shoulder. 

I stood up and kissed him. “Guess what?” I said and immediately realized that little game didn’t belong to this century.

“You’re hungry?” Murtagh said, looking at the table.

“No, I made these! Murtagh, I made this!” I said and held a bannock close to him.

“Ye did?” He asked and squeezed the bread. “Weel, it looks like a bannock. Have ye eaten any?” he asked.

“Murtagh!” I said and laughed a little at his teasing. “The family that makes the meat pies, their son broke his thumb and I set it for him. In payment I took a cooking lesson.” I told him.

He took a cautious bite, then two more. “Ye did good lass, these are very tasty.” He said and I think he was going to kiss my cheek but I had turned my head and he kissed my lips.

We looked at each other for a minute, but he broke the spell. “Is there warm water? I’m going to wash.” He said and when I nodded he left the room.

I looked back at the fire. It was a nice minute or two when grief wasn’t weighing me down. It wasn’t a bad kiss either. It wasn’t Jamie to be sure, but it was nice. I sighed.

We ate the simple beef stew I had bought in town. Murtagh ate three more of the bannocks I had made and I asked him questions about his day. After we ate I cleaned up the dishes and Murtagh brought in more wood.

We took our short walk outside; we went to the end of the street and back even in the worst weather. 

“Do ye mind if I do some hunting tomorrow when we go look for holly and such?” Murtagh asked.

“No, I don’t mind. Are you looking for anything specific?” I asked.

“If I can get a buck, Leith will trade me a goat that's breeding. I ken how ye like the milk.” Murtagh said as they walked into the house.

I stopped and looked at him as he closed the door. “Yes, I do. Thank you.” I said, a little surprised.

“Don’t thank me now, as I dinna have the buck yet.” Murtagh said and smiled. We took our coats off and I felt overcome with the kindness he’d shown me. I walked to him and hugged him.

“Oomph.” Murtagh was taken by surprise. He hugged me back and even though I couldn’t see him I knew he was smiling.

A few minutes later my arms were still around his neck and my face was buried between his neck and hair. Murtagh was a little shorter than Jamie had been but he was still taller than me. Murtagh has his unique smell too; he smelled of horses, the outdoors, wood fire and whiskey.

“Lass?” Murtagh said.

“Yes.” I replied. I hadn’t let him go.

“Are ye alright?” He asked.

I let him go and I felt my cheeks get warm.

He smiled at me and patted my shoulder. I took my shoes off and went to clean my teeth and get a drink of water, then went behind our makeshift dressing screen to take my dress off.

My mind was on how kind Murtagh had been to me and the feeling of ... _ something  _ for him. Was it just gratitude, or something more? It was a friendship, maybe even physical comfort that I felt with him. It was going on nine weeks since I had last seen Jamie alive. He left with the Watch with Ian and then Murtagh and I had embarked on a journey to find him and we found him too late. Maybe I was just feeling lonely and Murtagh felt comfortable to me. I was thinking and trying to take my dress off when I fell backwards.

“Claire!” Murtagh said, running in the room. “Are ye alright?” He asked as he helped me up.

“Yes, ugh,” I groaned as I stood up, “I just fell.”

“The bairn?” He asked, looking afraid.

“Fine, I think. I landed on my back.” I replied and rubbed my back.

“Whit were ye doin’? He asked.

“I put my dress here and twist to get the buttons off and I just tripped.”I said and showed him what I thought was my ingenious maneuver on the corner of the wall.

“Lass, why dinna ye ask me to help ye?” Murtagh asked. He walked around behind me and unfasted my buttons. He was slow and careful.

“I don’t know, I was embarrassed to ask.” I said as my dress pooled at my feet and I stepped out of it and picked it to hang.

“Is this why ye slept in yer clothes on the way here?” Murtagh asked.

“Yes, but it was also cold.” I replied. Murtagh smiled at me.

“Is that why ye dinna were a corset?” He asked looking at me.

“Yes, but also because I don’t have one to account for the baby and I don’t care for them.” I replied.

“Ye have an answer for everything. Will ye please go get ye a bigger corset tomorrow? Order one that will account for the bairn. And get a couple more dresses, ye didna have any fer when ye get bigger and yer breeding.” He said. I nodded and he kissed my forehead and left the room. 

I left my shift on, as I usually did and went to the front room. We had a bedroom in the house with its own fireplace but to keep everything simple we just lived in the front room. 

Murtagh was still bringing in firewood when I sat down on our makeshift bed. 

“I’ll get the bed made soon.” Murtagh said.

“That’s fine. I kind of like having everything in one room.” I told him.

“We can put our bed in here, we don’t have to use the bedroom.” He said.

“I like that, at least for a while.” I said and Murtagh went for another load of wood.

After it seemed like we had enough wood for a week, Murtagh got ready for bed and sat next to me.

“Do ye want to hear another story tonight, lass?” He asked. 

I smiled at him and shook my head no. I took his hand in mine and waited for courage.

Eventually I asked Murtagh, “How do you know about the stones?” I asked.

He looked at me, then back at the fire and took a long breath and released it. “Jamie told me. We were in the barn at Lallybroch, days before he left with the black watch. I asked him why he trusted ye were nay a witch and he told me ye were like the lady in a song. ‘ The Woman of Balnain’, do ye recall it?” Murtagh asked me.

“Yes, I remember it well.” I said and I knew if I closed my eyes I could recall the beautiful music and Jamie’s voice in my ear telling me what the words meant in english. 

“Jamie said that ye fell through the stones that day I found ye. At first I didn’t ken what to think. I wondered if Jamie was addled. But the more I thought on it, the more everything fit. It’s true isn’t it? Murtagh asked.

“Yes, it’s true. It was nineteen hundred and forty five and I was at craigh na dun to get a flower I had seen there earlier. I heard buzzing and it was coming out of one of the stones. I touched the center stone and that was it.” I said, remembering the day Murtagh found me.

“Yer a strong woman lass. We have spent a bit of time together now, first looking for Jamie and… since.” Murtagh said.

“Thank you.” I said and leaned against him. I was getting sleepy.

“Is there a way to go back? To before Jamie died? Maybe we can stop it from happening.” Murtagh said quietly. 

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think it’s risky. I don’t know when I will get to if I go through and I don’t know if the baby will make it.” I said and sighed. “But I have been thinking about it a lot.” I admitted.

Murtagh was quiet for a moment then he quietly asked, “Do ye want to go back to yer time?” He asked.

“I’ve thought about that too, it doesn’t feel right to leave you.” I said.

“I will be fine lass.” Murtagh said.

“Well, I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to go.” I said and sat closer to him.

Murtagh made that scottish sound in his throat. “Can I feel it?” He asked.

I sat up and looked at him. “What?” I asked.

He actually smiled a little. “The bairn.”

“Sure.” I said and put his hand on the small hardness on my abdomen. “It’s still very small, you can’t really feel the baby, my stomach is just a little hard.” I told him.

He took a deep breath and I looked at him. His eyes were closed and he was smiling. He felt all over the small hardness and to the edges. 

My eyes went wide in alarm as I started to feel warm between my thighs. It’s just the touching, I told myself. I hadn’t been touched for a long while; since before Jamie left with the watch. It’s just because I was used to Jamie wanting me every night and now it’s been a while.

Murtagh finally drew his hand back and smiled at me. “It’s nice to feel evidence of the little one. When do ye think he’ll be here?” Murtagh asked.

“He, or she should be here at the end of May I think.” I said.

Murtagh added more wood and we went to bed. I was not able to relax and I longed for when I was content to be in silence all day because I desperately wanted to talk and figure out my feelings. 

I desperately wanted Jamie. If I needed him I hardly ever had to ask because he needed me too. I didn’t really need Murtagh, I just needed someone. No, that’s wrong, I needed Murtagh because that’s who was alive and I felt comfortable with him. He wasn’t the husband my heart wanted but he was kind, and he was my husband.

“Lass, what is it?” Murtagh asked me.

I didn’t say anything and he leaned up on his elbow to look at me. I saw his dark eyes watching me in the firelight.

A few moments passed. “I need... something, and I need you for that.” I said, to poorly explain my feelings. 

“What do ye need?” Murtagh asked, poised to get whatever I needed.

“I feel, I want..” I said. I was making a muck of it, so I just kissed him. His beard and mustache were hairy and tickled my chin. I think he was stunned at first because he didn’t kiss me back at first and I drew back. 

I almost wished he wasn’t looking right at me, or that the fire wasn’t so bright. He looked at me for a full minute. “Is that it, or do ye want more lass?” He asked. I could only guess he was asking about sex.

“Can I tell you if I need you to stop? Will you stop?” I asked. Murtagh never broke eye contact with me and he nodded and whispered his ‘aye’.

I took his right hand and guided it between my legs. His eyebrows went up but he let me guide him. His eyes never left mine. I had his hand under mine and I had him stroke me between my legs a few times but I felt the pulse in my cliterous. I took his long middle finger and stroked it lightly. I arched a little and moaned.

He was watching me like a hawk. I pulled him on top of me a little and his weight felt nice. I took his shirt in my hand, pulled him to me and kissed him again. He tasted of whiskey and something sweet. He kissed me back this time and he was slow and hesitant. I let him go and he leaned back to watch me.

I was very close now and I had him rubbing faster and we were kissing. I arched and moaned loud and held his hand tightly under mine as I felt the waves of my climax.

I finally let his hand go and whispered, “Thank you.” 

He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. I felt his erection but I didn’t know if I was ready yet and he didn’t ask. My breathing eventually slowed down and Murtagh was rubbing my back very slowly. I fell asleep.

I slept late the next day. When I woke Murtagh was sitting close to me eating porridge.

“What can I get ye Claire?” He asked.

“Just a couple bannocks please, a little of our jam.” I said and I went to relieve my bladder.

When I got back Murtagh was still sitting near the bed and he’d made me a plate and set it near him. I sat down and started to eat.

“What was that last night? He asked me.

I had a thought to say, ‘what was what’ but I didn’t. I took a bite of my bannock and swallowed it. “That was a woman having an orgasm. I feel lonely, I miss being touched, and when you wanted to feel the baby, you touched me and I felt something.” I said and wished I had a better explanation. “I hope you aren’t mad.” I said and looked at Murtagh.

“Whit? Why would I be mad?” he asked me.

“Because I used you for my own pleasure, without explaining first.” I said and took another bite.

Murtagh finished his porridge and washed his bowl. He came back to where I was sitting and looked at me. “I’m not mad lass, I will never be mad at ye for wanting that from me. I didn’t know that women could feel that like men do.” He said and smiled at me.

“We can, it sometimes takes a while, but we can.” I said. Murtagh kissed me on the lips; closed mouth but slow and sweet. 

“Thank ye for being a bold woman.” He said and kissed me again. 

“I’m off to work, I should be home at noontime. Will ye be home?” Murtagh asked as he put his boots on.

“Yes, I’m going to check on Alice's son’s thumb and order clothes but I should be back by then,” I said.

Murtagh kissed me again and he left for work. I finished my bannocks and cleaned my plate. Then I washed and put on my nicer dress because it buttoned up the front. I got ready and headed into town.


	4. Yule

I ordered stays that should fit through my pregnancy. They tried to convince me to buy the nicer set with whalebone and I politely, adamantly, refused. I also ordered a new dress and bought one ready made and requested it be altered to fit through my pregnancy. 

I bought Murtagh a pair of knitted stockings, a scarf and ordered a shirt and breeks but he would need to stop by the shop to be measured. I bought some yarn and knitting needles so I could try my hand at knitting. Jamie and Jenny had taught me how to knit and I wanted to make a baby blanket. I found two books and wondered what Murtagh liked to read.

All though the morning I should’ve been thinking that I had introduced sexuality into my friendship marriage with Murtagh, but instead I was wondering about traveling back in time. 

Should I go? If I do go when do I go? Will the baby be safe if I go back before it’s born? Would it better or worse to go after it’s born? Going through those stones was no picnic and I worried about an infant going through. 

I made it home about an hour before Murtagh and built up the fire.When he came through the door he was carrying a giant bundle of straw and feathers. 

“Hi.” I said as he got through the door. There was a man behind him who nodded to me and put down a giant bundle of cloth. After that the man left.

“Your friend is talkative.” I said to Murtagh.

“Aye.” he said and went to get something to eat. 

Murtagh ate a quick lunch, then we went to the woods. He did get a buck and I found holly and some other decorations to bring into the house. I knew I was early but I liked the smell.

Murtagh left to trade the buck for the goat and I took a nap in front of the fire. When I woke Murtagh was sleeping behind me; he’d scooted very close and had his arm thrown around me. I smiled and went back to sleep.

We woke later, when the fire had burned down. Murtagh built it back up, then we went to see the goat.

“Two goats?” I asked, watching the two playing inside the little shed we had. I laughed a little at seeing their antics.

“Aye, the buck was large, so he gave me two.” Murtagh said and fed the goats. I knew it was large; I had been surprised when he picked it up and carried it across his shoulders. I’d seen Jamie do the same thing.

I started to go towards them but Murtagh stopped me. “Lass, please, leave them to me for a while. They can be temperamental and I worry for the bairn.” Murtagh said, and looked at me.

I saw the pleading in his eyes. This baby was the last bit of Jamie we had. “Okay, I will.” I said and stood back.

In thanks he nodded and took my hand.

We had the rest of the meat pies for dinner. We each had three then we were too full to do too much.

We were sitting at the table and I saw the package and handed it to him. “I saw these today and thought you might need them.” I said.

He opened the stockings and the scarf and smiled. “Thank ye, they will come in handy.” He said and nodded to me. “Did ye get some things fer yerself?” he asked.

“Yes, I ordered some new stays and two new dresses for when the baby starts showing.” I said and looked a little smug.

Murtagh smiled at me. “Good lass, good.” He said.

“I also ordered you a new shirt and breeks, you have to go get measured.” I said and he gave me a look but he did nod.

We took our walk that evening and it was short again because it was so cold and we were full. We didn’t speak but I knew Murtagh was thinking about something which was fine because I was thinking about something too.

We got back to the little house and I asked Murtagh to help me with undressing this time. He seemed all too happy to help.

We slept close together that night and I woke late again the next day.

It was Sunday and we relaxed. Murtagh milked the goat and I drank it all. I tried to talk Murtagh into trying some but he refused.

Murtagh made the bed and a mattress in one day. I was impressed with his energy. I read one of the books I bought and knitted for a while. I also took a nap.

We were finishing dinner and I was rubbing my back.

“Is yer back still hurting?” Murtagh asked.

“A little, maybe we should buy some chairs with backs on them.” I said.

He ate his last few bites and stood up. “Come here lass.” He said. I took my last bite of carrots and followed him. He had me sit against the wall with my legs over his and started rubbing my back. 

“Ah, Murtagh, that feels lovely.” I said and groaned a little. I opened my eyes and looked at him. I always thought he was this gruff, cold man but he wasn’t. I’m sure I was not even close to the wife he wanted, not that he wanted a wife to begin with, but he didn’t complain. His only love had chosen someone else and he’d lived a lonely existence I think. 

“Thank you, it feels better.” I said and took Murtagh’s hands. He helped me up.

“Let me get yer dress off, and ye can try the bed.” Murtagh said. I had the dress on with the buttons on the front so I didn’t really need his help but I think he liked helping me so I stood still and let him.

Jamie would’ve had me undressed in a fourth of the time it took Murtagh, and as soon as I thought about it I tried to forget it. Making comparisons wouldn’t be helpful. 

I kissed him after he put my dress on the hook, then I got in bed.

“This is fantastic, thank you!” I said and rolled around a bit.

“Aye lass, I spent my pay on the bed this week but I ordered ye a rocking chair and should have it next weekend. Ma’s should have a rocking chair.” Murtagh said as he checked the doors and built up the fire.

His kindness was almost overwhelming and I thanked him. He blew out our candles and got in bed. He scooted close to me and kissed my cheek, “Good night Claire.” He said.

I was restless again because I was thinking about having sex with Murtagh. I was trying to determine if I was just so grateful for his caring and kindness or if I really wanted to have sex. I did want to have sex.

I turned in bed so I was facing him. “Lass?” He asked.

“I think I’m ready for more.” I said.

“If ye change yer mind tell me.” Murtagh said and leaned in to kiss me.

We kissed for a while. It was slow and sweet and stirring. It wasn’t anything like the passion Jamie and I had, but it was nice. Murtagh helped to take my shift off and I put his hands on my breasts. He gasped a little.

“What?” I asked, a little breathlessly.

“They’re very nice lass.” He said and started kissing my breasts. I was going to thank him but he kissed me hard. “You’re verre bonny.” He said and kissed me again.

I felt his erection against my leg and I took him in my hand. He gasped again and kissed me. We were both breathing hard. I took his hand and put it between my legs. He repeated exactly what I had guided him to do two nights ago.

I was on the verge and I pulled his shirt off. “I’m ready, now.” I said.

He moved over me and I took his cock from his hand and guided it into me. We had that awkward moment (I think?) everyone has with someone new. Then I felt him inside me and it felt good. He was slow to move; it was a good thing his tongue was in my mouth or I might have told him to move.

I don’t know if it was his age or if he was trying to go slow with me but I came right to the edge twice and he slowed down. 

I broke the kiss and he looked at me oddly. “I want..” I was trying to say that I wanted on top but I pushed him back over on his back and he looked hurt.

I gathered my courage and climbed on top of him. “I want.. on top.” I managed to get out and guided him back into me. 

He smiled at me in encouragement and put his hands on my breasts. He scooted himself up a bit and started to suckle me. That was it, I held his shoulders to keep him in place and sped up the pace. He leaned back to look at me and I was watching him.

He kissed me gently, but I didn’t want gentle so I nipped his lip. He grunted and put his hands in my hair to hold me to him for a bruising kiss.

I broke the kiss and moaned through my orgasam. He took my hips harder and sped me up then I felt him climax in me. I put my arms around him and held him to me. He held me and we rocked slowly.

I cried a little and I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe it was the emotion or just the fact it wasn’t Jamie. Murtagh didn’t say anything about it.

I was still straddling him and holding him to me, he was still holding me too. He scooted down in the bed and we lay down, and slept that way. 

I dreamt of Jamie again, like I did every night. I slept late again and Murtagh had to wake me.

“Claire, I need to leave for work lass.” He said. He squeezed my hand, then kissed it. I sat up and looked at him. “Are ye okay after last night?” He asked.

I pulled him down to me and hugged him. After I let him go I said, “I’m fine, thank you for asking.”

He kissed me, told me to eat, and left for work.

I got up and ate a bannock. The morning sickness was completely gone and I was very glad. Murtagh had put the goat milk out for me and I drank a full glass, then covered it up and sat it back outside. Then I went back to bed.

I woke hours later and got ready for the day. I didn’t have any patients to see but I wanted to go buy more food and yarn; not that I had used the yarn I already bought. Murtagh told me you try to get all you’re going to need at one time so it all looks the same color. 

Our days passed much like this one. I usually had a patient or two a day, I read, knitted and made sure we had food. Murtagh worked, hunted, took care of the goats and brought me milk.

We had sex every night after that first night and it grew less awkward. I would like to say we made love every night but I knew what I felt wasn’t love. Jamie had taught me what real love felt like and Murtagh and I didn’t have it. I liked Murtagh, I respected him, and I was often overwhelmed with his kindness. I knew if I stayed in this time I would stay with Murtagh because we were fine together. 

Days became a week and soon it was Yule. Murtagh was off work and would be off until after Hogmanay and I was glad. We had more than enough money and the point of being in Inverness was to heal. He told me he was happy to stay in one place and work.

We had more furniture; a rocking chair with feather cushions, a big comfy chair we could both fit on, and straight back wooden chairs we used at the table instead of the bench.

We were sitting on the big comfy chair and he was telling me a story about Jamie. He’d told me a story about Jamie two nights ago and he’d ended up crying, then I was crying too. I think he was ashamed to cry in front of me but I wouldn’t let him go and we ended up having sex in the chair.

But tonight he was laughing. Someone knocked at the door and he looked at me. “Do ye have a patient?” he asked.

“Not that I know.” I said. 

He got up and got his dirk, then answered the door. 

“Yes.” Murtagh said, not very kindly.

“Yes, hello, I’m looking for Claire Fraser.” The man said in a voice with a strong French accent.

“Why?” Murtagh asked. 

“My goodness, aren’t you the protector.” The man lowered his voice and said, “I know she is a traveler; I’m a traveler too and I’m here to help.” The man said.

I stood up quickly, got a little light headed and sat back down.

“Traveled from where?” Murtagh said.

I’d gotten a breath and went to stand next to Murtagh. There was a short man, elaborately dressed, vaguely resembling a frog standing at the door.

“Madonna! So good to see you! My name is Master Raymond.” The little man said.


End file.
